Suzanne Billingsly, Special and Full of Sweet Surprises

Suzanne is not the regular girl next door. She is feisty, fun and fearless. This.

Woman.is. On. FIRE!

When Suzanne married, she adopted her son Micheal lovingly and welcomed him into her home. In the time we spent together we talked about him and the challenges that come from raising a child with special needs. We also talked about marriage and spirituality. She is very honest and very poetic. Read between the lines and you will find yourself falling in love with this sensible yet sassy woman.

What does family mean to you?

Everything.

What are you learning about life?

That I cannot fix everything, that money is an opportunity but not critical to happiness.

Do you believe in life after death?

I believe in this, I believe in God. I am Christian. I believe Jesus Christ is my Savior.  I will also tell you this, in my twenties, I read a book called Many Lives, Many Masters. To me, it was the most compelling argument for re-incarnation and here is what I have decided. The Bible is my truth but I don’t believe in a literal hell. I have decided that, for the sake of argument, this life on earth is actual hell. In other words, I don't believe there is any place we go when we die that we are actually tortured. We come here to learn lessons and then once we reach the expectations of God,  we can get our place in Heaven.

So are you saying that you believe people will keep coming back for ever and ever and the world will never end?

Oh the world will end. That's in the Bible...

So what do you think will happen to the people who as you say have not yet learned their lesson on earth?

They will fall to the ground, evaporate. Disappear! They will be just gone.

Well, we can agree to disagree on that. I believe what the bible says on heaven and hell..

Sure I agree with you, I know that my belief is not an accurate biblical teaching but it is what I believe about life.

What has life taught you?

 I am the parent of an adopted, eighteen year old son and an almost five year old daughter.  I can tell you that raising children at such different stages of life is a massive challenge.  My son has had many challenges in life; those challenges have helped me to be less judgmental about anyone or anything, you never know what a person is going through or dealing with at home.

What is your biggest regret in life?

I know this is cliche, but I have lived my life purposely not to have regrets.  Of course I have made mistakes but they aren't regrets. I feel like everything I have ever needed to do, I have done it at some point.

If you could go back to your twenties or thirties, what is one thing you would like to do over?

Absolutely nothing...actually, I take that back. I would have done Botox earlier  (Laughter) I know that is very surface-y, but I actually mean it. We both know that I am not a shallow person.

For the benefit of people like myself who know next to zero about Botox apart from it being injections of youth, what exactly is Botox?

Barbara, you should Google it.  You go to a dermatologist or cosmetic doctor and they administer a drug, which comes from the rainforest, because everything good comes from the rainforest.  I think it might actually be lethal.  It paralyses the muscle so that your face remains smooth.  I also use it for medical reasons to limit my migraines but those injection sites are totally different.

And what is its typical cost?

Well, it depends on how much you need, what areas, such and such.

And what areas on  the face do people typically use it for?

Crows feet, side of the eyes, forehead.

So if for example I went to the dermatologist, what areas would they say I need it for Suzanne?

Well, Barbara, Africans typically have very good skin textures and hardly ever get wrinkles early on. Anyway I would say you don't need it now.

You know Suzanne, in my tiny head, Botox is expensive, how affordable is it? I am sure some of our readers may be interested.

It's about $400 to $600 every six months.

Is it painful?

No, it is just little pinches, nothing you cannot bear.

Do you see the benefits immediately?

No, about ten days later.

What do you think has been your greatest gift in life?

That's a difficult question, I think it is becoming a Christian. For me, Christianity came later in life  when I really understood the gift of faith and love; these are the greatest gifts from God.

What is the biggest challenge you have parenting a child with special needs?

I would say, not liking the child sometimes. In a moment,  kids with special needs do impulsive things, it is hard to explain, because it seldom makes any sense.  I realize all kids do impulsive things but usually you can figure out why or reason with the child.  A child with special needs often has a totally different thought path so, you never learn the why behind an action.  It can be anxiety inducing.  For the moment, you do not like your child. You always love them but to not like them can be an overwhelming emotion.  It is hard and nasty when you feel like you don't like your child, who was put on earth for you to love.
For me that is the hardest part internally, there are other times too, like when he gets aggressive. Emotionally, it is knowing that you have to deal with it day in, day out.

What do you say to a mother who just discovered her child has special needs?

I will admit that it is hard.  It is okay to be mad and sad about it. What is not okay to do, is try to deny it. The best advice I could give is, go to the ends of the earth to find out the very best possible way to help your child.  Do not be scared about asking questions, about medication or about the amount of work that comes with a solution. Just find out what the best care for your child is and take it step by step, never stop fighting for your child. Early detection is key and you cannot decide to deny complete love for your child no matter what the diagnosis. Do not be scared of allowing your child to fail. No matter how much you try to teach your child, you need to also help them find their own motivation, not your motivation. Helping a child find their own motivation can be challenging and exhausting for a parent but it is important.  All children, regardless of their abilities or disabilities, need to fail at something to win at the end.  Failure is growth.

Special needs is on the rise, it has different layers too. Do you think that it is getting enough attention in our world today? 

 A lot of parents are in denial because it can be heartbreaking; its the mourning of an idea you had about this child you carried. Yes, I think it is getting more attention and people are getting more aware, but the thing is, often times, parents want to make excuses for their children to cover up any abnormalities.  This is often because they are in denial.  They do not want their children to be labelled or put in a box. I can appreciate this but its not doing the child any favors.  On the other hand, I also think the acceptance levels have increased as awareness soars. There is an approach that I find uncomfortable though.  The whole holistic approach. It can be damaging. It is great to have faith and believe that things will be well,  but while you are believing, please do right by your child and seek help from professionals in the medical field.

I have heard people say the medication offered to children with special needs messes up their psyche, they say there are other approaches to helping children instead of a cocktail of drugs, what do you believe is right or wrong?

I will say this, therapy and counseling is great, including behavioral modification programs. I think they are a good way to start, but if a child's brain is not working properly then there is some kind of chemical imbalance.  Chemicals imbalances will not just go away. For instance, my son's frontal lobe does not work properly and that affects his impulse control. If this isn't properly taken care of, it is not only dangerous to others, but also to himself.  It is every parents' responsibility to help their child with medical approaches, otherwise you are doing a disservice to the community. When you see these mass shootings at schools, more often than not, it is a child who has had some problems which his or her parents have overlooked. I admit it is not easy to get the proper medication or to get a proper diagnosis. Still, you don't give up.  You never give up.

What is the best part of parenting for you?

For me, when I see the fruits of my labour.  For example, when I plant seeds about God into their minds and I hear it come out of their mouth.

What is your new year resolution?

I don't make new year resolutions.

Is there something you want to achieve this year?

I would love to continue living and being there for my family.

How do you make life easier for yourself despite some of the challenges you have?

With prayer. I take my job of being a mother and a wife very seriously, I cook six times a week and I enjoy doing it, It is not a burden for me to raise my children and take care of my home.

Before you got married, you worked full time. How has the transition affected you?

You know the truth is running a home is a full time job too, you just do not get paid materially for that,  when my daughter says things like mommy you do not go to work, I admit it is like a dagger to my heart sometimes, but raising her and her brother is a job in its own right.

As a modern woman, how important is it to show respect to your husband and how do  you show respect to him?

I can be very traditional with things even though I am truly a modern woman, my husband leads prayer, he gets served first, he sits at the head of the table, we make decisions together but I let him take the lead on that unless I think it isn't a great one which hardly happens. I enjoy taking care of my household and that includes giving my husband his honour and respect.

You said you let your husband sit at the head of the table, if you had guests and someone accidentally sat in his chair what would you do?

I would nicely tell them that was my husbands seat. There is nothing wrong with that.

What if the person got offended?

Well then he or she should go to etiquette school to find out about seating arrangements outside of his or her home. I don't understand why anyone should be offended by that honestly.

Suzanne I know that you a very proper girl and always well put together, do you think you judge a person by their appearance sometimes?

To be honest, I think we all do. Sometimes we judge a person based on what their outside is like, by the way they act, the first impression is critical, but I stay open and let the person make me change my mind. It happened to me last week, I was assigned a new doctor without my consent and I was unhappy about it, when I first saw him I didn't quite like him but after our meeting I was won over. He was thorough, very patient, and I left feeling like I had completely misjudged him. I think we all initially make a first judgement about a person but we must let our minds stay open always.

What is the best advice your mother has ever given you?

She always said always be able to take care of yourself, don't rely on others for things.

What advice would you give your daughter when she is eighteen?

Oh I would have told her before she turns eighteen, but I would always want her to know that she is enough. She doesn't need make up or anything, that she is more than enough, that she is fearfully and wonderfully made.

I've known you for a while and I admire your parenting skills, would you ever correct other parents?

I wish I could but then, everyone is entitled to how they raise their children, if you are my friend and I see something wrong I will say it. I am not afraid to do that. I would never judge anyone on how they raise their children however I do not have to like it, I also control who my daughter plays with.

At the beginning of our interview you talked about a book you read which influenced some of your thoughts, what book are you currently reading?

Well I read my daughter a book at bedtime.  It is hard to have some me time to read my own books lately.

Sometimes as women journey on in marriage raising their children, they hardly get me time as you just said and they quite often lose themselves, how have you managed to not lose you? What is your number one tip for self development for women who have been swallowed up by running a home?

I have to tell you the truth, I cannot relate to that, I know it happens and I can't say that it's not like I haven't ever fallen into that before but I just happen to be able to pick myself up and keep going, I have a life outside of my husbands shadow because it is just who I am, I have enough time to raise our children and find fulfillment doing that.

Do you think a woman can have it all, a balanced home, a career?

No I do not think so. This is because I do not think you can be in two places at once. Raising a child is a full time commitment. It doesn't mean I think all women should stay home, but at the end of the day, I just do not think it is that easy.

What do you think every woman must know or what advice would you give every woman?

Be authentic, take the time to know what that means for you and to you. Know thyself. Find out who you are and never let that go.

Suzanne, what do you want the world to know about you when you are long gone?

That I was passionate, committed, loyal. I am not always a winner, but I do everything with passion and that I did my best.

What are your dreams?

That my Children turn out to be great and good people, I want the world to be effective and efficient, that I can help my children to be very productive.

What is your greatest fear?

That the world will continue to be so unkind.

How do you think we can fix that?

One moment at a time and I think it starts in your home.

Interesting...this is a very profound moment for me...

Thank you Oprah!  (Laughter!)

Charity does truly begin at home, I loved what you just said. What do we teach our children, what values do we teach them so that they can be better than us and those that were before us?

I think that we can teach them how to give, to be kind and generous. It really is that simple but we can't just teach without modelling it. It is being able to care for others. You are and we are our children's best teachers by how we live out our lives every single day.

As a wife, what is your greatest priority?

Q is for Quality Time

Keeping my husband very satisfied

 And how do you do that?

By making sure we have lunch together.

What is the secret to a happy marriage?

Lunch. You can put that in quotations.

What do you mean by Lunch? Did I miss the innuendo in "Lunch"? Do you mean devouring each other or actual food?

Well, you said it.

Do you think "lunch" is the number one ingredient for a successful marriage?

Look, I will tell you this, the number one thing every man wants from his woman is intimacy, I am sure most men will agree to this. Everything else is a bonus. I have asked my husband and he told me  being able to cook food daily is a huge bonus not a requirement.

What is a mans greatest need?

Intimacy.

Isn't it respect? Doesn't every man crave that?

It is not going to keep him warm and that is a need. Haven't you seen a woman yell at a husband and her husband still comes home to her? Yes respect is needed and very important but lunch is the number one need.

What is a womans greatest need?

Affirmation and it can come in different ways, I love my husbands compliments and I truly appreciate it and if he didn't do it, I wouldn't be very happy.

Well divorces seem to be on the rise and more often that not, infidelity isn't even the reason, people cite irreparable differences and so on, what do you think could be causing this?

Well, infidelity is usually the result of the problem not a reason, these days everyone wants all sorts of validation and admiration so if a man or woman is lacking that in their marriage then anything can happen, so both parties are to blame.

Whose responsibility do you think it is, to keep a marriage intact?

The woman.

And how can she do that?

By being loving, by being interesting, a woman has the ability to elicit a change from her husband by telling him what she wants, all a woman needs to do is ask, talk and show.

How can a woman keep her marriage intact?

Date nights are good, quality time.

How do we do this? Our lives are so busy running the home, it is pretty exhausting for most women already.

You have to schedule it and no one should make excuses for that, where there is a will, there is a way. It should be done as often as possible.

What do you think the world needs right now?

Tolerance and love.

Fashion Trivia

Beauty Secret?

Concealer.

Jeans or Dresses

Dresses

Favourite shade of lipstick?

Nude

Mani or pedicure, if you could only choose one?

Pedicure.

Best gift husband has ever given you

Our daughter.

What makes you feel sexy?

Stilettos.

How can a woman stay sexy?

Stilettos. They slim you out, makes your legs longer, gives you a beautiful walk. Stilettos.

Thanks so much for sharing my couch and talking to me. All the best with everything.