Shahd, Self-confident, Sensible and Still speaking her Truth.

When I visited Shahd at her home, I couldn't help but admire her beautiful home. Whenever I am there I feel like I am on a yacht, maybe it's the nautical lines she has as a wall paper in her home. I don’t know exactly, but it is a calm and interesting place to be.

 The first time I visited Shahd, it must have been a year or two ago, believe it or not, we met to talk about religion. We had a very peaceful and enjoyable discussion, she asked me a lot of questions and I did too, we were able, at least for me, to have a better understanding of each other’s religion, of course we did not agree on everything but it was very enjoyable and very enlightening too. We planned to meet again but the business of our lives took over. 

This time I met with her to talk about a totally different and a wide array of topics, I tell you honestly, I laughed more than actually interviewed her. Shahd is very witty as she is sharp. This woman has a mind and a voice of her own and it is a very strong voice, a voice that she continues to use to advocate for issues that are closest to her heart. I applaud that tenacity every time I see a post on her social media page. She truly is a phenomenal woman.

Get comfortable, dig in and enjoy my time with her. Blessings! 

Shahd tell me about yourself?

I'm an ordinary person, as a youngster I wanted to be a dentist but then I majored in communications, extremely different. I wanted to be the best dentist but things turned out different.

What was growing up like for you?

It was so much fun. I have two sisters and one brother. I am in the middle. I grew up in Oman. My parents left Sudan in the eighties. They left because the situation in Sudan wasn't really good. I was told that there was an Eid period going on the time, they needed to buy shoes for my sister and they couldn't find any to buy for her, they were like a country that can’t provide us with the simplest things, shoes… they wanted to leave.

Shahd, I understand, as your African sister, I know the situation. Our African countries have tons of issues that I believe can be fixed, I feel like if we keep running away from our problems who is going to fix it for us, I would have said to myself, no shoes in Sudan? Time to open up the biggest shoe factory ever.

They would have Barbara, My mom was a doctor and my father a flight engineer, He was with the army and the situation in the country was not good at all. A better life for us meant leaving at the time. My father had the opportunity at the same time to go to the USA, but he turned it down. He had the letter of admission from a school in California. He chose Oman. At the time opening a business was not even an option, the only option was to move for the full benefit of the family.

What was Oman like then?

Very beautiful, the people were very down to earth, very welcoming, we got to experience their culture which is similar to ours, we still have friends from there till this day. When I go to Oman, I still visit my friends.

What's the most important thing to you as a woman, wife and a mother?

Right now, it is to be a good role model for my children. With the advent of electronics and the media it is almost impossible, I'll give you an example, my son used to play a game called fortnight which I disallowed. This game lets you speak to strangers online and play games with them. I explained to him that playing with people you do not know can be very dangerous, at first he tried to explain but I stood my ground, we all have to do what is best for our children. Even my youngest Serene is three years old now and copies everything I do, for my daughters, I believe they need a good role model. What they see you do is what they will do, not necessarily what you say. In this age I believe I can teach my children better by being an example so being a good role model is the best way I can.

I know you always wear your Niqab dear, who will be making the decisions for your daughters? Do they decide for themselves when the time comes or do you think because you wear it, they will be influenced to wear it as well?

My daughters get to make their own choice in fact my older daughter already told me she isn't going to wear it. (Laughs) Maryam said to me, "I love you mom and I respect your decisions but I'm not going to wear it, I’m just going to wear a headscarf like your mom" that’s her grandma, and I told her, that was amazing too.

What influenced your decision to wear the Niqab? I'm wondering because I just learned your mom doesn't wear it.

You know it started with one of my African American friends from Chicago, she still lives there. When I came to the USA I was eighteen, I had just married my husband and we lived in Illinois. I used to wear just the headscarf then. She used to wear the whole garment. At time though, she had not started wearing the whole covering.  I asked her why she wore the entire garments, the Niqab, gloves and more when she started. We were both Muslims, with different outlooks, you can imagine the conversation we had. I came from the Middle East just wearing my headscarf and modest clothing, she was from the USA and completely covered. She told me, life is short, we are not going to live forever and I just want to please God. I thought well, I want to please God as well, but I don't wear that sort of garment. She explained to me that the wives of the prophets wore the face veil and that's how our conversations deepened. I started researching it more. I had never thought of the face veil before, I always thought it was for extremists. A few months after us having these discussions because remember she wasn't entirely covered when we met, then she started to wear the face veil, the Niqab.

Later on, another friend went to an Islamic convention and brought back a face veil for me as a gift, I had never mentioned to her about me researching the topic of wearing face veils or not. I asked her why she got this particular gift for me, she said, “it is just a gift, you can choose to wear it or not”. Anyway I started to talk to my husband about it. He told me, it was not his decision but between myself and God, so I asked him to bring me some tapes about the face veil. He asked one of his friends who sent me some of the CD's, his friend was very encouraging. I started listening to these tapes and one day, I woke up, stood in front of the mirror and put it on. The minute I put it on, I felt like I was going to suffocate. (Laughs) I took it off. The next day, I encouraged myself by telling myself, it is just a piece of cloth, it won’t kill me and if I feel uncomfortable I can take it off.

Anyway, my husband got a new job and we moved to California, by then I had decided I would wear it when I moved there. Now, California is a very open society, I had moved to a very wealthy city, Santa Barbara, very fancy place, Oprah had a house there, it was really the place to be but I decided that I would wear it there no matter what. Anyways, that's how I started to wear the veil.

So, what was the first experience venturing out with the face veil like?

Oh! I'll never forget. I went to K Mart with my husband, the minute I walked in people began staring at me like I was a celebrity but I knew it wasn't the look of admiration, it was a look of shock. My husband kept asking me if I was okay. A lady walked up to me, actually to my face and starred at me right in the eye with her mouth open, It was so shocking, I was shocked, she was shocked and then she ran away from me. I stood there crying. I started sobbing like crazy, I asked my husband if he saw what happened, he hadn't. I explained everything to him and he told me that she just wanted to see if I had eyes, that made me laugh a bit. Of course I have eyes, she should have known that or just ask me, I mean of course I have eyes and I can see, I am not going to fall. She should have simply asked me. I was pretty shaken by the episode, anyway, I went back to the car and sat there.

So, if I can understand you, your decision to wear the Niqab comes from a place of wanting to be very modest? 

Actually, more to please God. In Islam, the mothers of the believers were the ones who wore it, the mothers of the believers were the wives of the prophets. It was a must for them to wear the face veils but not compulsory for the other women.

Why was this compulsory for the wives?

It was to protect them, so other men couldn't see them and also to help them stay modest. When I decided to wear mine, I saw a show that had an Islamic teacher teaching about modesty and a lady asked him and said it was very hard for her because of how the society looks down on women who choose to do this and how people misinterpreted it as being an extremist, he said to her, "my daughter, it is not a must for you to wear the face veil, however, if you want to follow the lifestyle of the mothers of the believers, then you should, only if you want to.

Do you sometimes feel that people treat you differently because you made this decision for yourself?

Oh yes! A lot. Even in Santa Barbara, You know me Barbara, I am very social, when I went to meet the Muslims in the community, I found out that I had provoked unknowingly, a huge debate in the community. People were wondering, why is she so friendly? Why is she talking to men and women? It was ridiculous. While I was there, we had a lady Muslim scholar visit us also, she did not cover her hair and she believed covering the hair was not part of the religion. Then these people started to think, well Shahd covers but she is very social. They felt I shouldn't be with them. It was just unbelievable. Other people too, just look at me strangely, you don't even take a little bit of time to know me, but because I wear a Niqab, unconsciously in their minds, they have labelled me an extremist.

Yes, we have a lot of unconscious biases in the world today, it is sad but it is true. On a lighter note, how do your children find you, when you are outside for example because you are covered? It must be difficult if there are other women around you covered the same way as well.

(Laughs) they don't. They do not even like me in my Niqab  very much when we are outside, it's like they say to me jokingly, do not tell anyone you are our mother, (we are both laughing at this statement) I'm like Maryam, I am your mother, I am not going to do that.

Well, Shahd let us admit it, it must be difficult for children who live in a very diverse community where wearing a Niqab can be viewed a little bit awkwardly because very many people are not exposed to it. For example, my eight year old had some friends over the other day, it was quite late and I was worried their parents would be worried so I asked them if they were ready to go home, My daughter immediately grabbed my hand and whispered in my ears that I was embarrassing her by asking her friends to go home indirectly!

Yes, I agree, over here most people who see me in the Niqab do not want to be associated with me for whatever reason but those who know me and meet me stick around because I am very friendly, I love meeting people. My little one doesn't recognize me outside, my older ones can through my eyes most times because of the glasses I wear.

Shahd, most people sometimes feel like a woman who wears a Niqab is repressed, I know you personally and know for a fact that it is not so in your case, you have a voice Shahd and you are not afraid to speak up for anything. Tell me a little bit about this, I feel like it is important to know that not all women who wear Niqabs are enslaved.

Exactly! When I was in the USA, remember when France a made decision to stop women from wearing the face veils. I was one of the firsts who stood up against this decision. I felt like it violated what the western world advocates which makes us all so proud of them, basic fundamental human rights. So I started a movement and I was going to protest. My father disallowed me, He was trying to protect me because he knew a lot of people would not understand me. He did not want me to be labelled, the women in my family do not wear the Niqab except a woman who is a very distant relative, so I did come off as a little bit extra when I started to wear the face veil. I understood my father was trying to protect me and I obeyed him. That is choice that I made. I do not want to be linked with terrorism because somebody misunderstands me however, I will continue to use my voice to challenge the trampling of human rights. I respect my husband and my father but my mind is controlled by myself.

Your children speak how many languages?

They speak English and Arabic, I speak, English, Arabic and Rotana. Rotana is a Sudanese sub language.

What do you think about Terrorism?

Unfortunately, everybody links terrorism with the face veil. It is not as if I am saying everyone victimizes us but sometimes it does feel that way. A woman who wears a face veil and is Muslim is looked on as if, she is not living her life to the fullest, I feel like it is my responsibility to redefine terrorism. 

So what is Terrorism?

For me, if you do something that is against nature, killing someone, you can terrorize yourself too by abusing yourself in a harmful way. Harming the community, harming people. I feel the media doesn't define it correctly. When a Muslim does something in the Western World for example, it is terrorism when it is a non-Muslim, then it is a mental case.

 

Do you condemn terrorism?

Of course I do. Absolutely.  I condemn every kind of terrorism.

On your Facebook page, I've seen you openly condemn activities in Sudan you home country, what is that exactly about?

There has been some political unrest in Sudan.  A lot of Sudanese do not want the current president in power, He does not want to step down. He keeps calling people unprintable names like unbelievers just because we have asked him to step down, he has some international support, these countries keep meddling in our business, it is heart breaking, why? For how long will African countries begin to have such horrible leaders? A doctor was killed just because he was helping protesters that were hurt? I use my page to lend my voice for liberation.

Shahd, what else can we do to continue to help our African country leaders do better, I think about the future of my children, I want them to be able to live in their home country and enjoy being there and that is why I'm getting interested and motivated to get involved in politics these days…

I don't know. It is a difficult situation. I want to go to Sudan and put in my best efforts, to help in also getting the government to step down from being there and really doing nothing for the past thirty years. This year it will be thirty one years..

Wow! That is sad, it has been too long.

It is just not right. This is me, a Niqab wearing girl who people feel that I am enslaved wearing my Niqab, opening up my mouth and heart, I live the life I want to live, openly calling out our government, People do not see this side of my life that I am regular, they just see a girl wearing a Niqab and oh, she has to be enslaved, she has no voice, and she has no mind of her own. What a world we live in. People need to learn that being judgmental is wrong, ask questions like you are doing, find out more, do not be closed minded because of what the media is feeding you, do your research then, you can make your own judgement.

I couldn't agree more, Shahd I am so glad that you said these words, It is imperatively important, this is what, what is in my bag? is all about, showing the parts of ourselves that people do not know, misunderstand or just misjudge.
In Sudan, the nation split up recently, what is the current religious group of both nations and are both countries reconciled with each other?

The Southern Sudanese are Christians and the Northern Sudanese are Muslims. Honestly Barbara, before Al Bashir, the relationship was like butter and honey. It was very good. We had no problems with each other. An educated man from the South, John Garang, went and had a talk with the Northern Sudanese government, it was a peaceful talk and suddenly he was killed.  It was a plane crash they said, other argued that he was killed and God knows the truth about how he died. Then the problems started. The chaos that ensued was unbelievable, people from both sides started killing each other.

 That is really pathetic, it is sad when peace is trying to make a way forward and chaos takes over and takes a situation backwards, does your country have any natural resources? What part if yes?

In south Sudan, there is Oil. The North might have but I am not sure.

So is South Sudan independent of the North? Do you need a visa to visit the South?

Yes it is. Honestly, I am not sure but I believe Northern Sudanese should be able to visit the south freely. I wish I could visit South Sudan but the situation is bleak, the country has issues too.

Shahd, I want to digress a bit. How do you personally view a woman who is not modestly covered, what are your initial views towards her? 

(Laughs) You know honestly, I don't care. Once in the USA, a woman walked into the mosque in a mini skirt, her blouse was open and revealing. I was not mad or upset but at the back of my mind I thought, why is she walking into a religious place dressed like that? I was just worried about the men’s reactions, so I went to ask her if she wanted anything, she told me she just wanted to ask about Islam, so one of the women gave her an abaya and asked her to please just cover a little bit. For me, if you are immodestly dressed as long as you are not harming me or my family, I am fine with you.

What is one thing you want to always be remembered for?

Well, that I was honest, very social even though a lot of people do not know that part of me, I am such a social butterfly.   

What has life taught you Shahd?

A lot, I thank God that I am healthy and fine, a lot of people have shown their true colours by how they have acted,  in life we all get the good, bad and the ugly especially more so, when you wear a face veil. People treat you differently, make assumptions about you and yes I may miss out on being maybe invited to social gatherings, I guess people are thinking, it may be uncomfortable for me but it isn't. I eat whatever you spread out as long as there is no pork or alcohol in it. I will make good conversation with anyone willing. I am just regular, get to know me that is all. Life has taught me that people can be very judgmental but you know what? The good ones will stay, they will get to know you, they will be good friends and that is more important to me. We thank God for all sorts of experiences, they make us wiser.

If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

I would ban Electronics, the addiction is ridiculous, especially for children till they are eighteen years old. (Laughs)

What is your biggest dream?

To finish my Bachelor’s degree, I have a couple more years.

How many Abayas do you have Shahd?

I have tons and tons.

More than ten?

Yes. (Laughs)

And face veils?

(Laughs) Maybe twenty or forty, I have a lot including colourful ones, I hardly wear the colourful ones because the blacks are more practical, the colourful ones are for parties, I take my time and then choose matching colours. They are pretty.

Have you ever forgotten and gone out without your Niqab before?

No, but actually one day, my face veil got torn accidentally, I didn't have a spare with me, I put it on and my face was revealed, luckily my nephew was able to quickly go get it stitched for me at the tailors.

Shahd, do you ever feel naked without your face veil, the niqab?

Yes.  However when I am at Umrah in Mecca, I take it off. When I am done with Umrah, then I put it back on after I cut my hair off.

 Do you cut the whole hair off?

No just about an inch.

Shahd do you think there is anything truly called halal Make up. I read about a nail polish created which is called Halal.

No I don’t think it is, but it is just my opinion. 

You have some polish on, is it Halal?

This is Henna, it is natural, it grows from the ground, and water gets into it. So I can wash before prayers.

What do you want people today to know about you?

That I am regular, normal, don't be scared about me. Ask me any questions, come to my house, feel free to visit or come close to me. I am just like every regular woman, I just happen to wear a face veil.

I agree Shahd. You are.

Shahd, thank you for spending time with me today, I truly appreciate you trusting me enough to share. God bless you.

*Further Helpful Info

It is believed that cutting ones hair during pilgrimage is a sign of re-birth.

Halal Make up,

In Islam it is compulsory to be clean before prayers with water, nail polish can inhibit water purifying the hands, halal make up is supposed to be water soluble, some people differ on opinions regarding this.*

 *These ideas  asterixed above are of various Muslim individuals and does not represent the view of What is in my bag? publications.*

Candice Pelland, The Pain of Death, The Purposeful Prayer and the Promises of God.

Candice's candour during my time with her overwhelmed me in a good way, She was open, sincere and almost child like. There was so much innocence oozing from her, so much purity in her heart. 

What I didn't tell her was the feeling I had from the moment we started talking. The atmosphere was warm almost like her father was sitting with us at the table smiling. Apart from feeling the love that she has for her father, I felt a sense of peace in her presence. It is an honor to share a little bit in the life of her father through her memories. Her story will make you shed a tear or two but it will also give you hope as well as make you smile. Please, enjoy and be blessed.

Candice what was growing up like for you?

Growing up was great, I grew up in the church. We lived in Bahrain. We were there in the eighties. My life mainly and frankly consisted of church, school and home. I had no idea even about my immediate culture around me. It took living in another part of the Middle East to learn about the richness of the Arab culture. It was a very sheltered life.

What did Mom and Dad do? 

Mom was a Math teacher and Dad was a Mechanical Engineer. He worked for Aluminium Bahrain while mom taught at the Philippines school

Did you go to the Philippines school?

No I went to Sacred Hearts school, a Catholic school.

People always assume that children who have parents as teachers always do well at school, did you always have great grades?

Oh Yes. I did very well at school, I was really good at acing tests, but as soon as it was over, I forgot all I ever did or wrote. There was no explanation for not doing well. I did well at tests but was not awesome at remembering it after.

Did you have any siblings?

Yes, one brother and one sister, I am the oldest of them all,

So what was your childhood like living in Bahrain?

It was so much fun, we always went to church and our house was always open to everybody. We had a piano, and people would just come in from church and just play the piano, someone would go cook in the kitchen, It was beautiful. There was always laughter in our house, filled with joy.

That says a lot about your parents, they must have been very hospitable people..

Oh yes, they were, both of them, very giving and loving.

At what point did you meet your husband and where?

We met in Bahrain, at my pastors house. I had just turned twenty nine, I had had a crush on our bible study leader but just found out he had a girlfriend, I was kind of heartbroken, so I prayed, I said Lord if you want me to be single, take away the desire for me to get married, and If you want me to be married then please let me meet my future husband on my birthday. Barbara, I met Steve on my birthday

Wow! God really answers prayers and very specific ones too, has there ever been another time for you that God answered another specific prayer?

Yes Barbara. You know at the time I met Steve I was twenty nine, everyone in our Filipino community kept asking me when I was getting married and I just told them I hadn't found my blue eyed prince, Ever since I was a child, I knew I wanted a husband with blue eyes.

Wait a minute? Does Steve have blue eyes?

Yes he does.

Wow! Was it love at first sight of the blue eyes?

(Giggles) Not really, would you believe that? Steve's Boss at the time was our family friend who was also one of the people who wanted me to get married because they thought I was getting older. I knew I also wanted a man older than me too, his boss always spoke so well of him, but I really didn't know much about Steve. Every time I saw him, he would ask me questions and I would just answer him with Yeses or No's. One day I asked him how old he was. He said he was 29, in my mind I was thinking oh, bummer! same as me, then I asked him when his birthday was, he told me it was June, in my mind, I was like okay cool, he is older. It is amazing because, he had all the qualities but I just was not sure yet.

So what did it for you then?

Steve was very, very persistent. He would never take no for an answer. He had integrity and still does. He would call exactly when he said he would call. Very dependable. He is also extremely funny. Who doesn't like a handsome and funny man Barbara? To be honest though at the beginning, I wondered why he was always so funny, so assertive, I almost thought he was arrogant but as I got to know him, I saw that he was such a wonderful person, I understood then why everyone around him liked him. Steve has a way of making people around him feel special, with my husband, I'm like a princess.

Your parents were very welcoming of everyone I know, but were they also welcoming of you marrying outside of your ethnic group?

My parents didn't care who I married as long as he was a good man, at a point they would even joke about auctioning me if I didn't get a man, I was too picky and they were probably just sick of it. I wanted my blue eyed man, there were suitors but if they didn't have blue eyes (giggles), they didn't matter much.

How long have you been married for now?

Fifteen awesome years.

Best thing your husband has said to you: That I am beautiful grey hair or not.

What do you love most about your husband?

Steve is the funniest and most loving man I know, when we got married he promised we would never go to bed mad at each other and he has always kept that promise.

What has marriage taught you?

Oh, lots and lots and more. Marriage has taught me to be more patient. To be more open minded. I used to be quite judgmental growing up, I would be like ooh so and so is smoking, Steve taught me to see better and more beautiful things in people than that. He doesn't drink or smoke but he helped me understand that no one should judge anyone by that sort of thing, like tattoos or more. 

Yes, I agree, when Jesus came into the world, the bible tells us that he didn't condemn anyone, he ate with sinners like you and me, with tax collectors, he was friends with an adulterous woman not judging her but forgiving her and showing her the right way..

You know Barbara, you are so right, I grew up so sheltered and never saw anything controversial, so it made me really judgmental, I just thought if anyone did anything like that, they were going straight to hell, so Steve helped me understand that much better. I used to really be self conscious too, I cared what people said or thought of me, Steve helped me realize that the only two people who mattered were God and my family, till now, if I'm going to do anything, I ask myself if it would please or displease God and how it would  affect my family.

I agree, did you start a family immediately after the marriage?

Oh yes, everyone was breathing down my neck, I got pregnant after seven months of our marriage I think.

Did the arrival of children change your newly married life?

Definitely, I grew up with my mom having maids at our home, My mom was a very integral part of our lives, she raised us but she had help.  I was blindsided by that. I though having a baby was going to be so easy, I though the baby would just sleep, play, eat and repeat. I had no idea about the work behind it. The work started right from the day he was born. I remember my son crying at the hospital when he was born, and I had to call the nurse, she took one look at me and asked me, "Did you feed him? Did you change his diaper?" I was like I hadn't. She told me "Well, that's why he is hungry" I was so used to just doing my own thing with Steve and now I had to worry about someone else too. My world changed but for good, Elizabeth came after Caleb but of course by then I was stronger and more prepared.

What is the relationship between Caleb and Elizabeth like?

They are very good with each other, they argue like every one else  does. They hang out together and are good friends with each other. Caleb is now fourteen and Elizabeth is twelve.

What's in her bag? Phone, I.D's, Keys,
wipes, Lip-balm,
lip-sticks, sunglasses,
wallet

What is it like having a teenager in the house? People say it is so very difficult raising teenagers these days.

Tell me about it, especially the boys.

Who is the bad cop/disciplinarian at home?

Steve of course. Caleb talks more to Steve than to me, maybe it because they are guys, I don't know and he will tell him anything and everything.  I'll miss him when he goes off to boarding school though, I know I'll keep worrying about him being faraway from me just like every other mom, but I also  know he will be fine.

What was Bahrain like twenty years ago?

It was so different from now, there was no cause way, Juffair was predominantly water. I love the developments that have taken place. It is a wonderful country. There were and still are churches there so even though it is an Arab country, it is very tolerant of other faiths.

So do your parents still live in Bahrain?

No they passed away sadly.

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear, what happened? Who passed away first?

My dad.

How old was he?

He was sixty four. He had a heart attack, My family friends told me then that my mom would go soon after then too. My parents were always together, he always made my moms coffee, her heart was broken when dad died and not too long after mom joined her husband, the love of her life.

Candice, how do you survive loosing both parents in such a short period of time?

Oh! Barbara, there is no explanation or description for that, It was extremely difficult. Even for the kids, my dad was such an angel of a human being. At church, they told me that a week or so before his passing, he gave a testimony that he was ready to go home to be with His Saviour. He said he was not scared of dying because he was ready to go home. 

My dad was such a joy giver, he sang in church with his loud voice, he was in the choir, he was such a giving man, he would give his money, the shirt on his back. My dad was a very rare human being Barbara. You know, one time back home in the Philippines, his wallet was stolen, it had about five hundred dollars in it, my mother was pretty upset about it, you know what my father said?  My dad told her not to worry because he felt that maybe the thief really truly needed the money.

He was that sort of person. Sometimes people who we had no clue who they were or came from just showed up at our door, we would ask who they were, they would say they were friends of brother Steve, that was my dads name, they would tell us that dad had told them they could come stay over.

Candice, What an amazing testimony of your father you have, it is such a beautiful legacy he left behind. Your husband and dad have the same name?

Yes they do.

What are most grateful for living here in the Middle East?

I am so grateful for the diversity in friendships, the slower paced life which has helped me grow even more spiritually. Also great quality of family time. Everyone should live here if they get the opportunity. The ability to travel around the world too is a huge blessing

How have you been able to choose good friends?

Well, same interests mostly. People who are supportive, who love God. 

With such an amazing father and mother, what values do you hope to pass down to your children?

Loving people no matter what, to be kind, respectful, caring and helpful, to see the good in people. 

My dad had people cheat on him because of his kind natured-ness and it didn't matter to him, He still loved. I truly want my children to be respectful to every one.

Candice, my aunt lost a very loved one a few years ago, she told me that it took about two years for her to begin the healing process, do you also think so?

Yes it will get easier but I don't think you ever completely heal. There will be moments, like Christmas and more. The vacuum never closes.

What was the last moment you had with your mom like?

Mom had cancer and towards the end, she was not eating much, finally she said she wanted me to make something,  I am not a great cook Barbara, I made some food and she ate it all. I remember, when I was with her in the Philippines during the last days, the kids and Steve were back home, one time I called them and Caleb was humming, Caleb was always humming and I always told him to stop because I felt it was a bit pesky, when we were speaking over the phone, she told me to stop bothering him, she told me he was humming because he is happy. It was priceless, I never saw it that way

What was the most memorable time you had with your dad?

Oh! lots and lots. He was always happy, My dad loved kids so much, he also loved singing and we were always you know as kids kind of embarrassed by him singing so loudly in church, you know how you can feel people looking at you without seeing them. Dad sang everywhere, he sang all the time at home and when he started singing a particular song often at home, we would ask mom," Is dad planning to sing something solo at church?" She would say yes and then my siblings and I would decide we would be in the children's section of church because we knew everyone would be looking at us, it was always so funny, so embarrassing but filled with joy if you understand me. Dad was so passion filled for God and it showed in his loud voice, he sang alto, tenor, bass, he sang everything. I loved his passion for God. I hope my children pick up this passion too for God and for Christian music.

Candice I know you are a church girl, you grew up in church, you still sing at church. What do you think of Church today? So many people have been hurt by the church, they have experienced betrayals, disappointment and more? 

There is a sermon that has stuck tome since I was a teenager, Barbara we do not go to church for the people there or for the pastor, no. We go there for God. To meet with God. The people there and the pastors are not God, they are human beings just like you and me and we sin every single day, we are all sinners but for the grace and mercy of God. We need fellowship and you will get that from church, iron sharpeneth iron. It breaks my heart when things like this happen in church, but that shouldn't be a basis for going or not going to church.

Candice you are so well educated with a degree from the university, how does it feel to be a full time mom?

At first I struggled, but nothing compares to being able to stay home and raise my children, that is a huge blessing. I am so grateful to God for that. Our children are only little for so long, the grow so fast and are out of the house before you know it. I want every time with them.

Candice, as we have spoken, the love you have for your parents is so tangible, I can almost touch it. Yet you have a peace about them being gone. Where is that from?

It comes from knowing where they are Barbara. They are in a place that is so much better than I can explain, this is the hope that we have. The resurrection in God is Life forevermore.

Hmm, what do you think about life after death?

I think it is going to be really beautiful, we get to go live with God forever more.

Do you believe in hell?

Yes I do, I believe there is a place called hell...

What do you think hell is?

Eternal damnation, suffering, suffering because God is not there.

What are your top tips for living your best life

• Always stay positive
• Stay away from drama
• Do not over think the little things,
• Give people the benefit of the doubt

What is something you would never compromise on?

I will never change my mind on my beliefs on marriage being between a man and a woman, however I do not hate homosexuals. I love everyone just as God loves everyone, I have gay friends, I just do not condone that sort of lifestyle. I share Gods message with love, I am not judgmental. The Philippines has a large number of homosexuals so it isn't really strange to me.

When You go back home to the Philippines, who do you go too? Home is actually the USA for you because that is where your husband is from.

My brother is there as well as friends and family too.

Candice its been such a pleasure talking to you, your love for your parents has warmed my heart so much, I am inspired to be a better mother and wife. Thank you so very much.

No, Thank you Barbara.

Fashion Questions

Heels or Flats?

 Flats

Favourite Colour of Lipstick? 

Nudes

Favourite Nail polish colour:

 Nudes

Designer or Non Designer bags? 

I like my designer bags honestly.

Jeans or skirts? 

Jeans

Dresses or Skirts? 

Dresses

Favourite Daytime look:

 Jeans and a nice shirt 

I guess?

Favourite night time look? Same!

Eska Moellendick, A Winning Warrior Woman.

Eska is almost like a Disney Princess, she is petite, gorgeous with a capital G and always looks exceptionally happy. Underneath her princess-sy sweetness and charm lies a warrior woman. I have heard tons of stories like hers but none has really stirred me like hers did, We cried together during the interview and at some points, I stopped our chat to dig dipper and share some of my own personal struggles, I left her home much more inspired to keep telling other people’s stories, I also left extremely challenged to become a much more better person.
Eska is the definition of courage, brains and a dose of beautiful inspiration. Please Enjoy.

Eska, it looks like you are living a fairy tale life...

Really? (Looks Shocked)

Has Life always been this beautiful for you? You just truly always look so happy, very pleasant and just filled with joy

Barbara, even the fairy tale princesses have had their own fair challenges. Actually I have had people say this to me also. I just don't believe in sharing or showing my problems except it will truly help someone, I believe in always thinking of the best and just being positive always. Happiness is something you create, so if I can create that for myself then everything else just falls together

You just had baby, how has that changed your life?

Eska and Emily

Oh wow! A lot has changed. I mean even with my husband, we have little time for each other, all our energy goes into raising Emily. Becoming a mother has changed me a lot... I think of someone now more than myself, everything I do now revolves round Emily. Her arrival gave me some baby blues initially, I couldn't believe it... With Emily, there has been a few changes here and there nothing out of the norm, I'm the happiest mom.

The past few days, I have spoken to women who have married outside their ethnicity and they tell me some of the challenges they have faced, have you also faced any? Your husband is American and you are Indonesian?

To be honest, not much. The language in the beginning? Yes, the culture? Maybe a little, the most difficult challenge is what everyone faces, two people becoming one. Getting to know each other more and with me, it's been great.

How did you both meet?

Barbara, this is a really funny story. I was working at an advertising agency, we, my colleagues and I had a PR job in the city, in an area where a lot of people hang out called Kaman, it was a work event after which we decided to hang out. On this day, we went to a local spot and Eric shows up there. It was a very crazy accident but that was it.

Mr and Mrs Moellendick

Do you think it was an accident or Destiny?

When you put it that way, I really do believe it was Destiny, you know I was not on my best behaviour that day, I was with colleagues just having fun after a really good business deal. I was jumping up and down and dancing to celebrate our PR success and wrap because it had been a long and stressful job. I wasn't planning to meet anyone but it just happened. It’s so funny, it was in Jakarta, I never hang out or party in Jakarta, I never dance with strangers and he was a stranger to me that day. My friends who were with me completely forgot about me and left me dancing with this stranger who became my husband, this is something we would never do to each other when we were out, we always had each other’s backs because there are some crazy people out there, but on this day I couldn't even find my friends, so I was left with this nice stranger. So yes it was destiny.

What was growing up like for you?

My childhood was normal not very easy. I lived in a small town and my parents were teachers. My mom was pretty relaxed but my father had serious high expectations for me. My parents were teachers, and so they really desired that I did extremely well at school, especially as the first child too so I could be a role model for my siblings and I did very well. I got scholarships for my junior high school and I really enjoyed school too. When I got to high school, everything changed, I left my small town to go to high school in the city. It was a terrible time, it was really awful Barbara, the girls there were very mean, I hardly had any friends, they didn't like me very much. They had cliques and were never interested in me because I wasn't as cool as they were, I didn't wear the cool clothes. I was a small town girl, they were city girls, they didn't like me because of my skin colour too because I am dark.

Wait a minute, what do you mean by dark? You aren't dark, I'm African, you are Asian...I am a bit confused.

Oh in Asia, I am considered dark skinned and not beautiful. Those who are much fairer in complexion are considered beautiful.

Oh my goodness, this is really strange, In Nigeria, we have light skinned girls and dark skinned girl like myself, no one places special emphasis on the colour, no one regards dark girls are ugly, I have heard about this from other countries like Pakistan and in India...

Well, yes Barbara, it is different in Indonesia. Also do not forget that in high school, my school was in the city, all the girls there were exposed to all the big brands that I had no clue about. They drove me so so crazy, depressed and de-motivated to stay in school.

How did you get over it Eska?

 The delicious tea we both shared.

Honestly, it was not very easy but I challenged myself, I said to myself, "now these people are looking down on me but I will work so hard with my life that they will all come back to look for me and want to be friends with me". So, during my college, I worked like crazy. I took a job while still in school, I got a job with a small advertising firm and was learning the practical parts while I was in school studying it. I also went to very many self-development programs.

No one really knew how hard I was working. The small firm I joined had my friend’s mother as their Accounts Executive, they needed someone but couldn't really afford to pay a huge salary to a graduate, so they hired me, gave me a little salary and taught me almost everything I know and didn't learn in school. I worked days and went to school in the evenings. By the time I finished college of course, many firms were ready to hire me because I was young but very experienced. So of course I was earning a very good pay, I was able to buy nice things for myself, make really good connections with people in the business world and go to nice places. Before you knew it I was very cool according to other people’s definition of cool. They started having a different perception of me.

Do you think today even as adults, we have mean girls?

Yes, but as adults we can manage people better. As a child it was much more difficult, I remember going home to my mom crying and asking her why my skin was dark because my sister had very light skin. My mom was so worried for me, she asked me if I wanted some creams to make me brighter. My mom was just a school teacher who wasn't making a lot of money yet she wanted to buy these expensive creams for me, to do anything to make me happy. When I started working, I took some vitamin C injections to lighten my skin because my mind was wired so differently, I thought I was inferior because of my skin colour. It is so crazy, my perception for this changed when I met my husband. He made me feel like I was perfect and didn't need to change a thing about myself. I used to wear long clothing to cover up, once, he had invited me to ride a motorcycle with him and so I wore a tank top, immediately people started gushing about my skin colour, my mind shifted from that very day.

Oh, Eska, I want every young girl going through this to read this?

Yeah, hopefully. These are the kinds of lessons people should hear about and learn from.

So do you think we still have mean girls even as adults today?

Eska doesn't tell people much,
she is really great at helping
others look beautiful, Got lashes?

Of course, lots and lots. I do not get close to such people. Once I notice a mean streak in anyone, I avoid them as much as possible. Some people pretend to be friends with others and speak so badly of them behind their backs, It is so crazy. I've met some people who say think that I am young and naive, they think I am in my twenties maybe because I am smallish, they know nothing about my life and tend to treat me a bit differently. I have had people who see me, see my husband and just make assumptions best known to their shallow minds and that just a very minor few, it doesn't bother me. If you don't know me, you can make up whatever assumption your crazy head allows.

Good one! I agree with you on that.  Yes you look really young with your beautiful and youthful face, what is your beauty secret? I've never seen you look less than perfect before.

Oh Barbara, That cannot be true. I am just me. I just buy things that look nice on me. I use moisturizers like every person, I think that once you are happy with yourself your inner beauty will shine out. I work out though, that helps too.

You have conquered a lot by being determined, what's something you have been through in life, that you never want your daughter to experience?

You know, (gets very emotional) I never want my daughter to have so much responsibility for anyone else like I have had, except by choice not just obligation. When my husband proposed to me, I got sick for days, because I knew I would be moving to another county where I wasn't sure I would make as much money as I was making at home, I was scared about not being able to speak English fluently.  I needed my job to continue supporting my family. I had been offered a higher paying job but was declined only because it was a western run company, my resume was perfect, I was the ideal candidate but because I couldn't do presentations in English, so that was scary, I was worried about not being able to support my family and that's a feeling I never want my daughter to have.

My shoes, I will always keep them, They are the first pair of shoes I
bought
when I started working. They remind me of how hard I have worked,
it also reminds me to stay humble.

Wait minute, are you saying you couldn't speak English?

No I couldn't. Eric taught me.

Eska, you are an extremely intelligent woman, Your English is more than average, You come across to me as though you have spoken English since you were a child, to learn a second language as an adult and speak it the way you do deserves accolades. I am really impressed and I applaud you dear.

Well, thank you. Eric has been extremely patient and very helpful I learned to speak from him.

I don't want to divert from what you have just shared with me. It is powerful. You are a giver, no one forced you to give to support your family, people are not that generous in the world we live in today, it is a dog eat dog world, I will fend for myself, you fend for yourself. That is why good things will continuously follow people who are selfless like yourself, who care for others and help them even more than they can.

I agree a million percent. That is exactly what happened to me. My husband became a pillar of support for me, he understood my pain of having to leave my job to become one with him, he helped to ease my burdens a lot. He is a model husband for all men whose wives sacrifice all they have to also support their husbands own dreams.

I wasn't used to spending anyone else's money, I spent my own money in Indonesia, when I married Eric, he had to ask me why I wasn't buying things for myself, I told him it was because I don't know how to spend someone else's money. It was really funny and strange, and we were able to resolve it.  So anyway, I want my daughter to not be saddled with any responsibility that is not hers.

This is your husbands’ second marriage, it is your first. How does it feel?

Thankfully we are all adults, no woman or man goes into marriage with the aim of failing, we all fail at different things. My husband knows that I have standards, I wouldn't go into a relationship with him if he was still in his first marriage. We got together after their marriage had ended. Emily loves her other siblings and they love her too. 

What do you dislike in people?

Disloyalty, people being negative is something I don't like.

How do you handle this?

I do not confront it, I just distance myself from the drama, too much in life to be happy about.

What does family mean to you?

Everything.

What does friendship mean to you?

Someone who supports you, who is truthful to you no matter what. That is real friendship.

What gives you Joy?

I find joy in everything Barbara, as long as I am alive, I will always be filled with Joy.

What makes you sad?

When I have to do something I really don't want to do.

Who is your role model in Life?

No one.

If you could get one wish, what would it be?

Nothing really. I am content.

Who do you admire most in life?

My husband, he taught me so much, to speak English for example, he was extremely patient. I love the way he loves me and his family not just me and Emily, He is a friend, a brother and a husband.

What are your dreams?

Hmmm, before it was being really successful in my career, now it just to continue being happy and as content as I am.

What's in your bag Eska?

Emilys things, wallet, phone, keys. I.D cards

Lets take a look Barbara.

What do you want the world to always remember you for?

Hmm. That I was a good person, a good mother, a good wife and a good friend.

Eska, thank you for sharing with me. Keep shinning and keep being a  beautiful light.